Tonights blog is just me venting my frustrations of life on paper (electronic paper!). This month has been a blast! It has been amazing but due to recent events I am feeling more and more depressed. I feel empty again and I fucking hate this feeling. Its like a big void in my chest that seems to keep growing and growing.
Fucked up thoughts and evil intentions fill my mind every waking hour. I need to conquer myself. Is it jealousy that I feel? Is it hatred? I dont know.. At the moment I just wish someone would put me out of my misery.
I feel like I am being used. Like once my usefulness is over I am put to the side; forgotten like a rag after it serves its purpose.
So recently I have accomplished a lot. Life has been fantastic! I found a new goal and a new purpose in life that has revitalized and rejuvenated me in life. Not only that but I was able to get back with my ex girlfriend and things were looking up. I should have known that it was soon to go downhill. Everything in my life does. Maybe that is why I am such a jerk. Maybe that is why I am so negative towards life and such a pessimist.
Things between me and her were so good that we are planning to get married in a couple weeks. but now I sit here thinking as I write this that I’d rather swallow my own vomit. Its been almost 4 days now and she barely has time for me. Its like she gets with me just so I can help her out of tight spots and when I have served my purpose, she ignores me. Sigh. I dont know what I am doing wrong. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am overreacting or overthinking this. I usually tend to do so. but i really think I am in the right here.
how is it that the person you love the most, the person you want to marry is the one you spend the least time with? is that really love? Is there any affection in that kind of relationship? Dont you hate it when you are finally able to win their heart, they change? Its like to them its just a game. They say and do things just so they can get with you and then its like they are a whole new person.
She used to be so cool. I admired her personality. But recently the way she has been treating me I dont know. We used to talk alot and play video games and what not but now its like I dont even exist. From her recent text messages I got the message that she and her buddies are too good to play with me. Wow. This coming from my wife to be. Sigh. I’m trying not to jump the gun and blow the whole marriage thing up.
By us getting married she has the most to gain. Due to my enlisting in the army she gains the opportunity to get her life straight and get back in school. She gets to travel the world and visit places that she has always dreamed of going to. She gets a great husband who would treat her like a princess every waking moment of his life. What am I getting out of the marriage? Just a beautiful girl that loves me. That can cook great and plays video games. Playes video games without me.
I dont know anymore. Why am I even bothering anymore…