Time goes by and yet the pain stays

Posted by Balphazar on March 4, 2011
Posted in: Blogz for thought, Dino's Life, Relationships. 5 Comments

Hey all!

First off id like to thank you all for your kind comments and words. Yea I’m going through some tough emotional times right now. But I’m managing.

I guess it is easier to manage loss when you do have a support. Whether it be in the form of a friend or a random stranger. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else that its over and she doesn’t want you. Sometimes it takes a great friend to pick you back up and dust off your shoulder, make you rise again and look forward. Its really hard to actually come by such good friends.

If there was one thing I’m glad as far as my parents’ parenting goes is that they have taught me to deal with lonliness. I’m no expert at it but I’ve found ways to not only easy the agony but also numb the mind to it.

I’m slowly getting over Nicole. Its hard but I am. It helps that there is another chick to keep my mind off of her but at the same time I’ve had to admit it to myself. Denial can ruin you. Sooner or later you have to face facts and the sooner you do the shorter the recovery.

To all my heartbroken people out there trust me when I say that maybe she wasn’t the one after all. Yes I know how much effort and work went into the relationship. I understand that you had amazing times and that maybe it was or wasn’t your fault for the break up. Trust me when I say that you will find someone else. You will. There is someone out there, perhaps right next to you and you don’t realise it, that will eliminate all the pain and suffering all the turmoil in your heart.

I understand that he/she that broke your heart was the one you love and you feel as though that you may not love again or in the same way. But love is a tricky thing. When you have it even if it may be a little of it whether it be in the form of affection or attration it will grow. It will spread. It will overtake and overcome all the negative inside you. It will make you alive again. It will heal you.

It is hard not to think of your ex. Afterall its only the good things that stay in your mind. Like how her lips felt when you kissed. Or how amazing his arms felt when he held you. But all that is in the heart. One day you will see that another love will step into your world and bring the light back in your eyes and the warmth back in your soul.

Just keep busy and don’t lose hope. I’m not saying forget them that is impossible. But don’t give up on love. You are worth it. You may not have been enough for them but for someone else your mere existance means the world to them. Smile and live. You may have lost one but you will gain another.

What are your thoughts? How have you dealt with break ups?

And life goes on yet again..

Posted by Balphazar on February 22, 2011
Posted in: Uncategorized. Leave a comment

Hey all.

Yea this is just another spam blog or rant on bullshit in my life. I couldn’t sleep last night even after venting through blogging. Music calmed me down a bit but still no sleep. I picked up the courage to confront her about the issue and it went exactly as I had thought it would.

Sigh. I really hate everything right now. Why did I have to pick her? Ughhh! I just wanna smash something to bits! This is so frustrating! “I’m sorry baby I just can’t play Black Ops with you. I have a 4.0 win/loss ratio and I need to get that up” so what! How the fuck is that more important than spending time with me?????!!!!

I know that if I was there with her physically I wouldn’t be feeling like this at all. But I am not. Sigh.

So ill just remove her frok my xbl friends list like I do every asshole and bitch that starts bullshit with me and brings unnecessary drama in my life. Ill just pretend like she doesn’t exist and wait till I visit her.

She never does anything for me. Ever. Never takes time to just talk with me. Never takes time to melt my heart. Nothing. Its just so fucking frustrating that I do all this to keep her happy and get nothing in return. Why did I have to get this? Why? I am a fucking amazing guy and I don’t deserve this bullshit!

But I won’t break up because I know that the wait will be worth it. But now this option is on the table that she starts this kind of bullshit in real life and she can go find someone else. They say love is hard to come by. I disagree. A great guy like me is hard to come by. If you are reading this Nicole I’m letting you know now, you screw up even once when we live together and I’m kicking you out. No questions. You can be on your fucking way and ill be on mine.

I can get any woman I choose and you should be happy that I chose you. Yet I get treated like I don’t exist just because I’m not near you. I get ignored just because I’m not physically there. Do you know that you are on my mind every waking our of my life? Do you know that I am constantly thinking of ways to keep you smiling? Do you know that your happiness means the world to me? Then why the fuck don’t I get the same treatment? Why the fuck am I the only one trying to keep my lover happy? How come you can’t take a few minutes out of your oh so busy video game life to cheer me up? I know what your response is “just call me up baby. We will talk.” Talk? I’m done talking. We talk all the time according to you. But unfortunately that’s not the case. This is what we really do:
You go to work. We have a 3 min conversation during your ride to work. I call you when you are at home but its usually as an interuption when you play video games. I don’t want to be a bother in your life. I don’t want to intrude and take you away from what you are doing. Why is it that you can’t make time for me?

When I said that we don’t do anything together you asked what we can do. How about play video games? Well I know the answer to that. No. Why? Cuz you are always fucking playing balck ops and you are too good for me to play black ops. Sigh. How about something else? I don’t know? Watch a movie? Text each other? When was the last time you actually flirted with me? Or tried to turn me on? Or get naughty with me? What happened to the Nicole I fell in love with? Oh I know she is too busy for the man who is to be her husband. She doesn’t care about him enough to spend some time with him. Her time is too fucking precious.

All we talk about is what bills we have to pay and how I can help you stand on your feet. How would you like it if all I called you for was money and just ignored you the rest of the time? Or every once in a while I just sent you a text and stopped in mid text conversation?

This is the same reason I broke up last time. But I’m not breaking up this time for any reason. Though how I feel about you and my willingness to help you will change. Maybe I should just get a girl on the side who will keep me happy till the time I visit and we get married. At least she will have time for me. Maybe this matters to you. Maybe it doesn’t. But it does to me.

I do love you sweetheart with all my heart but sometimes you make me wonder if the feeling is or isn’t mutual.

Just when things in my life are going great…

Posted by Balphazar on February 21, 2011
Posted in: Uncategorized. 3 Comments

Hey all.

Tonights blog is just me venting my frustrations of life on paper (electronic paper!). This month has been a blast! It has been amazing but due to recent events I am feeling more and more depressed. I feel empty again and I fucking hate this feeling. Its like a big void in my chest that seems to keep growing and growing.

Fucked up thoughts and evil intentions fill my mind every waking hour. I need to conquer myself. Is it jealousy that I feel? Is it hatred? I dont know.. At the moment I just wish someone would put me out of my misery.

I feel like I am being used. Like once my usefulness is over I am put to the side; forgotten like a rag after it serves its purpose.

So recently I have accomplished a lot. Life has been fantastic! I found a new goal and a new purpose in life that has revitalized and rejuvenated me in life. Not only that but I was able to get back with my ex girlfriend and things were looking up. I should have known that it was soon to go downhill. Everything in my life does. Maybe that is why I am such a jerk. Maybe that is why I am so negative towards life and such a pessimist.

Things between me and her were so good that we are planning to get married in a couple weeks. but now I sit here thinking as I write this that I’d rather swallow my own vomit. Its been almost 4 days now and she barely has time for me. Its like she gets with me just so I can help her out of tight spots and when I have served my purpose, she ignores me. Sigh. I dont know what I am doing wrong. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am overreacting or overthinking this. I usually tend to do so. but i really think I am in the right here.

how is it that the person you love the most, the person you want to marry is the one you spend the least time with? is that really love? Is there any affection in that kind of relationship? Dont you hate it when you are finally able to win their heart, they change? Its like to them its just a game. They say and do things just so they can get with you and then its like they are a whole new person.

She used to be so cool. I admired her personality. But recently the way she has been treating me I dont know. We used to talk alot and play video games and what not but now its like I dont even exist. From her recent text messages I got the message that she and her buddies are too good to play with me. Wow. This coming from my wife to be. Sigh. I’m trying not to jump the gun and blow the whole marriage thing up.

By us getting married she has the most to gain. Due to my enlisting in the army she gains the opportunity to get her life straight and get back in school. She gets to travel the world and visit places that she has always dreamed of going to. She gets a great husband who would treat her like a princess every waking moment of his life. What am I getting out of the marriage? Just a beautiful girl that loves me. That can cook great and plays video games. Playes video games without me.

Sigh.

I dont know anymore. Why am I even bothering anymore…

For the People. By the People.

Posted by Balphazar on February 15, 2011
Posted in: Blogz for thought. Leave a comment

Hello internutterz

Its me again with another blog. The topic at hand that I want to expound upon today is the purpose of a government; more specifically a democratic government.

From what I have surmised is that governments are for the people and by the people. The purpose of our government in this case should be centered around its people (the governed) and should focus on making their lives better through various means and methods. Now this is a two part deal. Firstly the government should ensure that the internal situation is in perfect working order. By internal situation I mean is the domestic situation. I mean that the government is doing its part in ensuring a better lively hood for its people.

Now you may be wondering that how come the government should do all this? What about the people? Don’t the people have a role to play in the “domestic situation” of a country? Well, like I said before, a government is not only for the people but also by the people. The people have to help out and pitch in if the actually expect their government to go anywhere in helping them out. The government can only do so much.

One of my biggest concerns regarding the second part is that most Americans are selfish ignorant pricks, who in my opinion should just be dropped off at the nearest vacant island to fend for themselves. You think its harsh? Don’t you feel the same way about a “friend” who mooches of you all he can and milks you for whatever you are worth and then when it comes time that you need help he turns a blind eye to your problems and leaves you in the hole? This is the same case of most Americans. For crying out loud most Americans criticise every aspect of this country and government but yet never contribute to the solution. Instead, day by day, they add on more to the problems. These same people are such hypocrites that after asking so much from their country they aren’t even patriotic to it.

Due to this form of thinking and customs our laws and regulations have devolved from helping the needy to helping the rich and powerful. Majority of Americans are middle class and yet these people have to struggle each day just to get by. Why? What’s the point of a government that refuses to help make a better life for its people?

On the other hand I think all the people who are part of the problem of a bad economy and homelessness should be eradicated or put to better use. Those bastards who love hording their money and wealth should be burned alive in their homes. This mainly applies to the rich and powerful. On the flip side all the homeless people, who refuse to get a job and are so shameless that they depend on others to feed them because they fucked up their life and now are paying for it, should be either enlisted into the military on active duty or killed. They really serve no other purpose.

And if you really want to save money, shut down all the prisons and halfway houses. Line up all the inmates in front of a firing squad and get rid of them. Why the fuck is my money going towards keeping these assholes alive, well fed and entertained? Most middle class americans barely get 2 meals in between their family members after working 2 jobs all week and these faggots who have murdered and raped and fucked people over for their own personal gains are given high quality merchandise and fed 3 meals a day.

Also eliminate the prison system. Instead have harsher laws in place to prevent crime. A guy steals, cut his hands off. Id like to see him steal again. A guy murders someone, burn him alive. A guy rapes, inject him with HIV and tie him to a bed and let him die slowly/or chop off his dick. You may think this is inhumane but I doubt those who have been harmed in these way would be singing the same tune.

What do you think? Do you agree with me? Disagree? Why or why not?

Review of Skyline

Posted by Balphazar on November 20, 2010
Posted in: Movie Reviewz. Leave a comment

Hello Internutterz!

Balphy here with another movie review! The movie tonight is Skyline.

The previews for skyline really got me wondering how amazing and exciting the movie was going to be. Im not a big fan of Alien abductions and what not but the way the trailers made it out to be i thought it would be an interesting watch. So I went to see the movie and I must say that I was highly dissappointed. I guess I am just one of those people that bases a movie on its trailer.. gotta stop doing that.

Why dont I like it? Well in my opinion it was nothing but a rather long intro. Now if they come out with a Skyline 2 then I think they did a fair job with the movie, though I wouldnt give it more than a 3/5.

The movie’s story line is very simple actually. It starts with the aliens sending down bright lights down to earth to various locations to abduct humans. It shows how one of the characters gets sucked in and then it takes us back about 15 hours ago. It then shows the movie about events leading up to the alien invasion or so I thought. Instead those events are in no way related to anything with the aliens and as to why they are invading. The aliens ome. They start abducting people by the hordes. The army sends their best at them. It is no good. They beat everyone. They get nuked. They survive it and basically render the army useless. I wont give away the ending because something cool does happen. But all in all it was the stupidest movie of the year. The movie had no heads or tail. The story was boring and didnt even try to gain my attention for long because there was way too much drama involved. Rather than focus on the main movie which I’m guessing are the aliens invading earth, they focus on the relationship problems the main characters are going through.

I give Skyline a 1/5 just because it had cool effects.

What do you think? Leave a comment and let me know.

Review of Hereafter

Posted by Balphazar on October 26, 2010
Posted in: Movie Reviewz. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

Hello internutterz!

Balphy here with another movie review. As you all know Hereafter starring matt damon is out. I went to see it today and I must say it wasn’t what I expected. That in my opinion is a good thing. All round I would give the movie a 4/5. Why? Read on and I’ll tell you the story.

The movie is about 3 people who live in different worlds yet they have one thing in common; death. Due to an illness in his youth, George (Matt Damon) had to undergo a complicated surgery. At the end of the surgery he was a different person. It seems that during the surgery he died a few times. Now he is haunted and burdened by these visions. Later he realises what they are and thinks of it as a curse.

The other two characters are Marie Lele, a french talk show host who survives a Tsunami. I must say that the way they portrayed the tsunami it was breathtaking on the big screen and yet it was terrifying. I could almost picture myself standing there as the ocean flooded the shores and rushed at me. It seems that during the flood Marie dies for some time and experiences an interesting phenomenon.

Our third character is a young boy by the name of Marcus. Lucky for him he doesn’t die but rather his twin brother Jason dies. 

The movie shows the journey of these three characters and how they come to accept who they are and cope with their experiences with death. Though it may sound boring I will say that it made me think.

I already believe in an after life and yet this movie put it in a different perspective. It showed how people take certain things for granted and yet they know that death fast approaches everything.

Clint Eastwood, director of Hereafter, does an amazing job in portraying his heroes in their lives. The suffering of a brother, the confusion of a curious reporter and the worries of a man gifted to ease others pain. 

Some people cannot let go of the dead. Some don’t care enough. Others have had near death experiences. How do you fit in?

And then there are some who wish you didnt have a life.

Posted by Balphazar on October 13, 2010
Posted in: Uncategorized. Leave a comment

Hello my dear internutterz!

So I have been keeping up with Video game news for the past couple weeks and trying to keep an eye out on this huge event that is about to enfold in the weeks to come. For those who have not heard yet our dear country, a country based on and founded on the essence of freedom, is trying to limit and or take away our freedom to have fun through gaming.

What do I mean? Well keep reading and you will see. There is a governor way out there in the west by the name of The Terminator a.k.a Arnold Schwarzenegger who is trying to take a case to the Supreme Court. His stand point is basically that violent video games be marked with a 2 inch square label on the front of the case. Those that sell such games to minors would be liable for upto $1000 per violation.  Now you may be thinking Ah well thats nothing all they have to do is not sell it and that would be okay right? Wrong. We are all humans. And as humans we make that thing called mistakes. Yea.. The problem is that every time a “mistake” happens that store can get fined $1000. Can you imagine if that happened on like a launch day event? or like if you were giving away prizes for a contest or something? it could be catastrophic. Also this law would be in direct violation of our first amendment right of free speech.

Did you know that books, magazines, movies, etc all have protection under the first amendmant? These are all forms of expression and entertainment and art. Why should video games be any different? According to Terminator and his gang of very stuck up individuals, the government decides what should and should not be allowed to be given to minors a.k.a your kids. In other words the government knows much better than you the parent as to what is good for the kid. Last I checked it was the government that went to war for no reason. Last I checked it was the governemnt that declared African Americans as 2/3 of a person. Last I checked it was the government that said women had no right to vote. Well since the government has a track record of doing the right thing I guess we are in good hands with this idea that they are trying to make law.

So internutters, what do you think? Is it fair for the government to pass a law that restricts what games we play? Or do we have the right to play as we so choose?

The problem with restrictions is that the retail stores would not be so willing to carry these “violent games” if they are afraid that they may be doing something against the law. The fewer retail stores with these games means the less chances are that titles like Gears of war, Halo, CoD, MOH, etc will be made.  Or do you think that it is just and fair to have such restrictions. I guess if you have such a high consequence for a sale to a minor then these sale rates should go down or die out. Leave a comment and tell me what you think.

United States Army Fail!

Posted by Balphazar on October 4, 2010
Posted in: Gaming Newz. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Hello internutterz!

Balphy here with an interesting blog. Now many of you are aware that a game of epic proportions is soon to hit the world of gaming. I am referring to the title Medal of Honor. 

EA has joined forces with the armed forces of this great nation called The United States of America. Before you read on and start judging me for my views please know that I only wish to call it like I see it. Now the new MOH’s campaign is centered around the war in Afghanistan. EA got their info and intel from the US Military so as to give a feel of reality to gaming. They wanted the gamers to immerse themselves into a modern war event and kind of gain a hands on experience of the war going on. The military officials beta tested the campaign and helped form an amazing game. Because the idea was so good, EA went further to creat the multiplayer side to the game, Like all MOH games, and wanted the gamers to enjoy this experience the had in the campaign in the multiplayer. In order to do this the folks at EA named the two sides as US Forces (or something to that effect) and Taliban. Me personally, I love the idea of having one team as the Taliban cuz honestly wouldn’t you like to yeal out in the game “take that you fucking terrorist piece of shit!” or “ha! That was America shitting in your face you Taliban scum!” just saying. 

But it seems that the American Army is too sensitive and made EA change the ‘TalibanL to ‘opposing Forces’. WTF!!! Their reasoning was pretty lame also in my opinion. They said that it is okay to have games where the two teams are like cops and robbers or cowboys and indians only if it is about events in the past. Because this is an event still happening or very recent ‘there are many veterens who are still injured and hurting fron the war’ Bullfuckingshit! This game is meant for people who play video games! What “veteran of the us army” plays video games? And if you are butt hurt about a war that you won then what gives? How does that make any sense? 

Due to this I say that the American army is built of nothing but scrubs and pussies who are nothing but pushovers and gits. You really can’t have a real war experience when you are fighting the “opposing force” rather than the Taliban.

What do you think? Agree? Disagree?

Rant…

Posted by Balphazar on September 1, 2010
Posted in: Dino's Life. Leave a comment

This blog is just a rant about all the dumb shit happening in my life. if you dont care then good for you. You may stop reading now and go on with your life. If you do care, which would be a surprise to me but whatever peels your banana, do read on.

For the past couple of weeks a lot has been happening in my life that should be cause for stress but I am the type of person who just keeps things shut deep inside and never lets anything bother him. But even I have my limits and so I am using this blog as a venue to vent out my life’s frustration. It honestly makes no difference to me that anyone will or will not read it. Its just a rant.

So I have a girl now, an amazing angel who is really sweet when she wants to be and uber bitchy when she doesnt get her way. All in all I think she is cute and funny in her own unique ways. I am hoping that I can save up enough money for the two of us to move in and start a life together. I dunno if I am even cut out to be in a relationship due to my immaturity and lack of any life experience. But who knows this might actually work out.. but then again.. who am I kidding. This is my life we are talking about. Nothing ever goes right. all good things must come to a horrible and disastrous end.

Also a lot has been happening on xbl. A lot of drama has started up due to someone liking someone. You know how it is. There is always that one hot chick in the group that everyone likes and would like to get with her. When one actually does the rest of the “friends” become arch enemies and are ready to cut each other’s throats. I used to get on xbl to get away from life’s problems and people’s shinanigans. but it seems that wherever people are their bullshit and problems always follow.. I had to deal with such bullshit today and I feel kinda bad for cussing out a buddy of mine but In my opinion he deserved it. My thing is that you should leave your bullshit at home when you come on xbl. otherwise get a life and learn to deal with your problems.

I dunno.. lets see how life pans out.

Best night ever!

Posted by Balphazar on August 16, 2010
Posted in: Uncategorized. Leave a comment

Hello internutterz!

Sorry for the delay in ze blogging. Alot has been happening in my life lately. If it’s not one thing it’s another. Home life isn’t too bright but I’m am so glad that I do have a special angel by my side to keep me smiling. Babe if you read this I would just say thank you for everything.

So this week I am spending my time with said angel. I must say that it’s been a blast so far. We had steak for dinner last night. I don’t think it came out as she expected but it tasted good anyways. She had it marinating in this amazing sauce and mmm it made my mouth water. Also we had this bread salad that yours truly helped make. Mmm yummy! I think we still have some left. 

Tonight we watched step up in 3D and went bowling. I got owned ofcourse cuz I suck at everything but hey she had a good time! She was definitely blushing and smiling. Anyways we are currently on our way home.. She is trying to irk me with her spelling error comments. Anyways will update about days two and so on laterz!

Peace!